I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
