you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
