don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
