Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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