And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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