i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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