hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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