oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
