You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was born a porn star she said
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
