Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
