How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
