Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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