oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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