It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
