There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
