I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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