There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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