No awkward lesbian experiences without me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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