when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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