Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
