I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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