I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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