I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
