I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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