I could make wine with my vomit
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
