My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you inspire me to be a worse person
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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