he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
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I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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