I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
