I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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