Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
