It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
