honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This toilet bowl is my home.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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