I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize