Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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