The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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