I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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