I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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