either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
