Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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