Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
