I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
