i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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