My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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