i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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