Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
