I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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