Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
