she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
