My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
