My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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