I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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