who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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