im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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