She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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