I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
