I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
