so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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