All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
